Our alleged impending doom this week has has inspired Hollywonk contributor Jeffrey Seasholtz, aka Uncle Shappy, aka the “nerd of spoken word”. Here’s the latest edition from his Longbox of Opinions, including a Top-10 List of Apocalypse Flicks (not predicted in any way by the Mayans):
I’ll admit it. If a movie promises a world-ending event, a zombie infestation or just a general “post-apocalypse” setting, I will probably watch it. For some reason or another, we movie nerds love looking into the future and seeing the Statue of Liberty all rusted out and half covered in the dusty remains of civilization.
In this column, I hope to share a few theories about why we heart the late, great post-apocalyptic planet Earth and why I can’t wait for 12-21-12!
- Middle America loves seeing LA and NYC getting blown up or washed away by a giant tidal wave. And why shouldn’t they? There’s no excitement watching the St. Louis Arch get blasted by a spaceship.
- Along the same lines, we are like kids who like to build big towers with Legos and then knock them over. It’s more fun to watch stuff blow-up than to watch it being built. Unless you’re watching a Ken Burns documentary about the Empire State Building or something like that on PBS when you are having trouble falling asleep.
- Sometimes we all want to unplug our digital devices, either that or smash them against the wall. Better yet, how about a massive power surge that turns all that time-burning stuff off … FOREVER? All the time in the world to read these books! Whoops! My glasses!
- Admit it, you have secretly been wanting to eat cat food right out of the can!
- We live in such a repressive society that we are all ready to shave our heads, put on some leather chaps and join a lawless biker gang. No more answering to THE MAN.
- We already have to struggle and put up with so much in this economy, we might as well be living in Barter Town. Spin the wheel, make a deal! And wouldn’t the presidential debates be more exciting in The Thunderdome? We don’t need another hero!
- Clothing is optional. No more time wasted deciding what to wear. You can wear a ratty bathrobe and a motorcycle helmet everyday and no one will say shit.
- Us nerds can finally design our own man caves with all of the charred “collectibles” that were left behind after “The Event”. The world is your dealer’s room, WITH NO DEALERS!
- We can finally use all of zombie killing skills that we’ve acquired from years of playing video games.
- There’s a chance we could meet Molly Ringwald in the Forbidden Zone! In 3-D! (if you get this reference, I’ll buy you a blue cocktail at the Cantina)
- Think how satisfying it will be to squash a cockroach under your boot after a nuclear blast! Take THAT you stupid, dirty bug!
- We will finally be ruled by intelligent apes! Wait a minute…
That’s all I got for now. Now to sit in my bunker and wait for that bright flash of light! See you later, in a smoking crater!
SHAPPY’S TOP 10 APOCALYPSE FLICKS
10 - DAY AFTER TOMORROW/ 2012
9 - MAD MAX BEYOND THUNDERDOME
8 - THE DAY AFTER
7 - ROAD WARRIOR
6 - WALL-E
5 - 28 DAYS LATER
4 - 12 MONKEYS
3 - ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK
2 - OMEGA MAN/ I AM LEGEND
1 - PLANET OF THE APES (1968)